Condominium Horror Stories Vol. 1
Forward: This idea has been on the back burner for about a year and is now coming into light for your entertainment value. This is not payback, revenge or anything else but true short stories about real life nightmares I've experinced working in condominiums. My lawyer will let you know when its payback, trust me on that one. Enjoy.
1. The nightmare of all nightmares
This was old school bordering on the morgue. "Yeah, John Wayne and Spiro Agnew used to have houseboats right there" The old man said pionting to the boat dock, "they used to have poker games that lasted days on end. Mortie Stienberg, Saul Goldberg. They all used to be down there gambling there brains out. But that was long before your time, they're all dead now." "OH REALLY?" I thought to myself. "Was Gene Simmons there?" I asked throwing gas and confusion onto the conversation. "Who?" "Gene SIMMONS. He plays bass in KISS" "Oh I don't know, we had em coming and going back then" the old man responded "This used to be THE place to be in Miami. We had a bellman out front greeting all the cars. He wore a pithe helmet with a feather out the top." "Poor fucking guy" mumbled under my breath.
That was then and unfortunalty for me this was now and I was there to deal with the bones. Her name was Ruth Martin and this was The Fabulous King Cole Condominiums. Well fabulous back then anyways. Her husband would cart her out of the apartment everyday at 10 am bringing her to the pool. He'd give me a dollar and tell me to watch over her and make sure she did'nt fall and break her kneck or get into some equally disasterous event. One dollar. Very generous guy. Shit at least he gave me that!!
Now poor old Ruth was on her very last leg and going more senile every day. What these shmucks failed to tell me is that Ruth did'nt have very good control of her bladder and she peed wherever, whenever. I found this out when I went to take the lounge pads up and noticed a very rank odor. It did'nt take me long to put 2 and 2 together. And these are the pads the general condominium community were laying on as well. Lovely.
And seeing I had to handle these disqusting things, I assigned Ruth her very own pad to cut down on her marking her territory on the other pads. I did this by spray painting the end one of the pads. Ruths pad. She even asked me about it once and I told her "this is your very own pad." end of conversation. No use in embarassing her in her demented state. I mean let the fucking lady have some dignity right? I know, I know I'm too soft, or at least I was back then.
I had to leave the job and find other employment as I was having "Zombie like" nightmares about the place. Try going 2 weeks with that filling your night time dreams. Its the closest ever I've come to working at the morgue. The custodians were finding them splayed out dead in the laundry room. Stiff as boards, faces as blue as a tidy bowl flush. I got the hell out of there and never looked back. Soonafter, the nightmares stopped.
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2. The Nepolean Complex:
In 2000 I found myself bored with life so I applied for a job and found myself waking up at 4:30 am to be to work at the Grand in downtown Miami by 6am (Dont you just love the names that they give these places? I'm sure its quite an ego booster for all involved. Now you probably thinking, that as a Pool mgr, why did I have to be to work at 6am well before the sun came up? As I lay there at 430am trying to wake up while watching the Telletubbies on the PBS, I wondered the same thing. The only reason I could think of was" to watch the sun rise"
The bosses would of course arrive at a more decent hour of 8am-9am. So basically these equated to free hour=free money. And seeing this was not a full service pool, meaning I did not supply towels and the likes, it was basically a maintenance position with one pool and several large to mid sized fountains.
Anyway before I forget to mention it, I have been know to write a prank letter or two in my life. So when I saw the Tellitubbies on tv at that ungodly hour, I noticed that they would all look at the sun, which had a face in it as well, and have a conversation with it. I thought "Good god!! they are going to burn thier eyeballs out!" And this was the jest of my letter to the local PBS "I'm so afraid my little Jennifer is going to burn her eyeballs out staring at the sun!!"
Long story short: I get a knock on my door and its my crazy old frantic cuban coffe landlord jabbering on about a big box that came in the mail. So I follow him downstairs and sure enough there is this really big box with my name on it. I'm not expecting a big box. I opened it right there on the spot to find all the Telletubbies dolls (the big ones) and a Noo-Noo, which is some sort of vacum cleaner elephant looking machine thing and a letter. I took the Noo-Noo and the letter and told the landlord to give the dolls to the neighborhood kids. What was I suppossed to do with them, have a tea party? Take them to the store for a refund? I said I was bored not broke! A year later I would end up giving the Noo-Noo to this little 3 yr old girl in the building I work at. It was a sad day for sure giving it up. Presently I have two standard yellow rubber ducks, a mini orange haired troll doll with a nuclear skull on its face and a Marge Simpson pez dispenser. Why I have these things I do not know. Fortune and Good luck???
As it turned out the letter was from the creator of the Telletubbies expressing her concern about children burning thier eyeballs out.
So there I am 7:30 in the morning drinking my second cup of coffee and dragging water hoses out to wet everything down. I called this "The Water Show". I should have been required to have an actors guild card as this is all this was-Acting. Filling the billet with a warm body. Thats me folks. I might also mention that I was not the only one required to be there at 6am. There were others, specifically this one custodian who I see in the same place every morning standing by a tree looking into a window. So after awhile I walked over to see what the deal was and sure as shit, there she is walking around her apartment naked getting ready for work. She wasn't bad looking but It still creeped me out looking at her. I mean where does it end? The Peeping Tom of the Year award? I only looked that once but HE was there every morning rain or shine. He was probably there this morning as well.
Like I said, the bosses would stroll in around 8 or 9, then would come the lap swimmers, your pasty tourist getting a full days worth of vacation and HIM. I forget what this fuckers name was, and to be truthfull, I could absolutly give a shit, so for all practical purpose we will call him "Dipshit". Dipshit had a severe case of Nepolean Complex. I was told that Dipshit was elected President of the condo board a few months before my arrival and that the position had gone straight to his giant head. The solution was to demote him to Treasurer (pure genius move there folks.)
So dipshit would come to the pool- all 5 feet of him standing in his elevated flipflops- and everything would be in perfect operating order until he'd get in the jacuzzi and it would foam up depending on how much soap he put in it. I would them be summoned from putting on the Water Show and go tend to the matter. And much to his dissappiontment I would calmnly walk to the pool office and get a gallon plastic container of whatever the fuck it was - I'm not going to do an advertisement for the product if thats what your looking for- and then pour an ounze or two of it into the Jacuzzi. Problem solved. He hated it!!
In time I would find out that Dipshit was responsible for the firing of the Pool guy I replaced, who it turned turned out to be some cuban asshole who had sabotaged and backstabbed my efforst at a previous job. Karma Dude!! So as time went on I began to keep the gallon container close to the jacuzzi so that eveytime he did his thing, I could walk a few feet and do my thing. Like I said, HE HATED IT!! At one piont Dipshit complained about the soap suds and I said to him piont blank "Well if you'd stop putting soap in it the problem would be solved!" Dipshit of course went on the defensive, so I said to him "Stand up and lets see what you have in your pockets!" "I'm not standing up!" he replied still on the defensive. "Well" I said leaning up against the wall, folding my arms "I'll just wait for you to get out. I've got nothing better to do." It was a stand-off, that is until he did a quick spin move out of the jacuzzi, almost falling in the process, and quickly put his robe on.
Later in my employment, he would unscrew the bolts to the pool ladder steps then call outraged reporting it broken. I of course would be summoned from whatever it was I was doing and have to get in the pool and fix it. Hard work here folks! Gionna have to lay here in the sun for 30 minutes and collect myself.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Drying off from having to get in the pool and fix the ladder dipshit deliberatly broke again.
Boss: (silently walks away into the building)
Me: (continuing to lay there in the warm sun-drying off)
Later on I'd confront the boss with several security tapes showing before/after shots of the Jaccuzzi, as well as a lady with an extremly nice body getting out of the pool using the ladder then Dipshit, at said ladder, doing his thing for five minutes as I'd tightened them really good.
I wanted the management to confront the little fucker and they,of course, were balless and sdid not want to "rock the boat".Chicken shit mutherfuckers.
As time went on there were several incidences of dog/cat shit (I didn't anaylize the shit) thrown from the building into the pool, as well as Heineken beer bottles. (REAL classy people for sure). On the week ends they would be lounging in the decorative fountains like they were jacuzzi's and talking about adults OK?
Side note: Riding my bike around town I notice more broken green glass bottles that brown glass bottles. Why is that? Does drinking this swill in green bottles make you want to throw the empty out of you car into the road? Like I said: Real classy people. Garbage everywhere except in the trash cans where its supossed to be.
Now remember I said Dipshit had been demoted to Treasurer right? Well he starts purchasing all these decorative bronze statues to put in the fountains. I would hate to be a owner and get that assessment fee. And I will admit, some of the statues did look good. However, some where to clustered or too big for placement in the fountains and it came off as "too much" even "tacky"
Around this same time I was starting to feel like a glorified janitior cleaning up after these filthy animals who could give a fuck about the place that they lived. And if you people know ANYTHING about me at all, you know that I do not do things I do not like to do. I do not like radishes so I do not eat them. Its that simple.
So Dipshit asked me: "What do you think about the fountains?" and I told him the same thing I told your previously. I guess he wanted a "pretty lie" and got "the ugly truth", or at least my very honset opinion. I was fired later that day. Thank you immensly from the bottom of my heart Dipshit!!
End Notes:
1. I came to learn that Dipshits "Horse farm" in North Carolina was all imaginary and in his head
2. He had his wife making and trying to sell sandwiches to the workers at lunch but they were not going for it.
3. Dipshit was on an oversight Board of a local downtown park/mall (cough-cough. Doesnt take a Brain Trust to figure that one out) and alot of money had be "missappropriated". Yep this is the guy you want handling the money for the condo. Heres how it works folks:
You approach all the vendors and tell them "You are going to bill "x" amount and I'm going to pay you "Y" which is a lower amount of "x". Happens all the time and is probably happening right now as you read this. You Think? I bet!
4. Hidsight is always 20/20: I should have photographed the shit in the pool and drained it. This would have cost thousands in water bills, chemicals not to mention room comps for hotel guest. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
5. I do miss the Hotel aspect of this job as it was one continuous party especially when bands would come through town. And there was the horny fashionista from the UK. I miss her too.
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3. "HER"
We were getting calls from jubulent employees at the condominium she was moving from warning us about "HER". I now know why they were calling and so happy. Within days of moving into the building, according to the General Manager, she had complained more in that litte amount of time as some people had in 15 yrs of living in the building. She soon became like the "Boy who cried wolf" and her complaints fell on deaf ears.
And the way she treated the help was dispicable. And they were all afraid of her, well except for me. And this really pissed her off. Fuck "HER"!! She would come into the Pool Office and just start screaming at me and I would literally laugh in her face and taunt her. I wanted to KILL her. Sometimes I'd ask if she needed anything and then just ignore her and put up a magazine to block her ugly haggard face from my view. This of course pissed her off even more. To fucking bad as in: Tough Shit.
And her treatment of the help was not confined to just the building but everywhere she went. As a matter of fact it got her banned from several independantly owned Bal Harbour Shops who told her to never set foot in thier stores ever again or she would be arrested for trespassing. Oh how good this must have made the owners of these shops feel.
So given the fact that bitch and her family were in the restraunt biz, you'd think she'd know better than to go pulling her shit in restraunts. Lets put it this way, I know people who refuse to go out to eat with them ever again because of her treatment towards the wait staff. The word is she doesnt even wait for the food to arrive at the table before she starts to complain. NOT very intelligent. And when the food does come and she taste it, she probably sends it back because it doesnt taste right because she's used to piss and spit in her food. I know wait staff that plain out refuse to wait on her.
And the valets were/are always fucking up her car in some way or another just out of spite because of the way she treats them. Again, it really pays to be nice to the people that are serving you, ya think?
So it was very sweet to hear that Payday has finally caught up with her as they are now having to file for bankrupcy and the Economic recession of 2009 has taken its toll on them!! It could not have happened to a more deserving person. I am ELATED that I dont work at the place where she lives anymore, mainly because I was tired of her shit and the "balless" management not defending me after several verbal and many written complaints. However, the word is that she did not even show her ugly face at the Pool during the 2008 holiday season out of embarassment of the situation. It could not have happened to a more deserving person. THERE IS A GOD!!!
What comes around Goes around.
KARMA BITCH!!
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4. The Balless Cat/Col. Commander the Bloated shit prick:
You have all heard the stories of these "Condo Commandos" right? Well here we go again. I imagine being President of a Condo Association makes these dipshits feel like GODS. I wonder in all thier self glory, they realize alot of people are laughing thier asses off @ them. I highly doubt it. And its a long hard fall from their esteemed and elevated position when it comes. And ALWAYS, they disappear into thier shell and become practically invisible in thier depressive state as they come down to REALITY.....Oh the shame....
This is a Perfect example of such an ass. This pregnant man is an ex-insurance dick. I know what your thinking "How impressive!", I know, I say it LOUDER!!. So this ass is used to fucking people over. Its in his blood as is a strong Military backround. The kinda guy you'd wanna shoot in the course of battle if he was on the front lines. Of course when your this important your NOT in the trenches are you? Hell no. Which probably explains why said bullet didnt find its mark during the course of battle.
I watched this ass, in all his glory, spend thousands on "upgrades" that didnt need upgrading. I watched as the tenants all began to fight and complain about the huge assessments arriving @ thier doorsteps. What was once a "content, peaceful building" turned into a "House of Horrors" with people taking sides, lawsuits being filed. This mighty ass even had the nerve to slide himself into a paying "assistant Mgrs" position. Conflict of interest? You think? ALOT of these asses use these positions to steal funds. I mean you walk into a store with thousands of dollars and these retailers are going to do whatever you want to get the sale. They just caught some asses doing exactly this and it was theft in the millions, I shit you not! So speculation in this situation is in the "eye of the beholder". Its very suspect to say the least.
The kicker for me personally was the day a kid was throwing rocks off the 15th floor balcony. I had reported this to the General Manager delivering a handfull of rocks in the AM. He didnt even leave his office. I might as well have dialed some random number out of the phone book and reported it. So as the day progressed and the rocks kept raining down and no action from mgmt, suppossivly "in charge", I said "ENOUGH!" and marched to the office with more rocks and told the mutherfuckers "Do something or I'm calling the Police!! Someone is going to get killed!!" So what does the GM do? I mean besides shit himself??... He calls this bloated shit prick Condo President who marches down to the pool area and starts to investigate.
So there we are and I tell them which floor we beleive its coming from and this ass says to me and I quote "Its none of your concern!" I quickly countered "Oh yeah? Let one hit me and you'll see how fast its none of my concern!" You fucking bloated shit prick!! What a fucking ass. I've got a serious life threatening situation in my workplace and ITS NONE OF MY CONCERN???...This isnt baseball and I'm not giving 3 strikes. This was "IT" as far as I was concerned with this TURD. You see its all about "The power, The position, The attention" wt these shits. They could give a fuck about the employees. NONE of my Concern.
A perfect example of this is how this mighty "Col. Shit Prick" spent how many thousands re-modeling the Party Room where the employees would eat thier lunches. Well after this expensive re-modeling SHIT PRICK decided that this area was now too good for the employees to enter and everyone was told they could no longer use this area for a break room, THEN regulated all employees to eat his/her lunch in thier workplace and if something came up on your break "Too fucking bad" stop your break and go back to work. And of course these cowering employees are to afraid to object in the least. Except one. Can ya guess which one?
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5. Things I have been fired for or incidences where I said "FUCK THIS SHIT!!:
1. Wearing "Tea shades". That was some old ladies complaint. She said I wore "tea shades to conceal the fact that I was high". Hey folks: You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ALL the people all of the time. Tea shades Ha!
2. Night Bellman Tiffany Condo: Fired for standing by a car waiting to open the door for "fart witch" while she sucked face with her haggard old boyfreind. Later on at another job Fart witch would be verbally reprimanded for having me fired for this by her own freinds, right in front of me causing her to leave in a huff (How fucking cool is that?! Very!!)
3. Jockey Club: I found myself at 8 pm on Holloween night doing these peoples pool laundry after working a full shift. Why? Because these multimillionaire shit pricks were to cheap to buy a washer and dryer!! Can you beleive that?! So I went in to the laudry Mat to get the dry towels to throw them in the car and I find the door open to the dryer and the towels were still not dry and I Finally said: "FUCK THIS SHIT!!!"
I threw the wet towels into the bags I had brought them in with and into the back of my 79 Station Wagon and I pulled into that condo's back parking lot sideways in a cloud of dust and took those FUCKING towels out of my Pontiac Grand wagon of a death machine with the fake wood panels running down the side and all, and threw the still wet things in a pile. I was fired for doing this the next day. If I could do it differently I would. I'd throw the towels harder or better yet either leave them outright at the laundry mat for anyone to take or take them out to a dirt trail and light them all on fire!!
Anyway as I can recall I had a blast at the Button South (rip) and even lightly bit a French Maid wt feather duster and all, on the ass on a bet earning a free drink in the process. It was a light nibble not a full on bite.
4. Thunderbird Hotel:Front Desk Clerk. They called me and asked me to come to the Christmas Party. I declined. They called back again, drunk, and insisted. It was only a few blocks down the street so I went. I remember they gave some middle eastern guy a blow up doll and he was terribly upset. I wish someone would give me a blow up doll at a party!! I'd turn it upside down and stick the crotch right in my face and set back and relax. But thats just me, I'm not from the middle east. Anyway a week later they fired me for getting buzzed at the party while on the clock. Par for the course. To this day I outright avoid these functions.
5. Hollywood Beach Hilton, GraveYard shift Front Desk Clerk. It was Gulfstreams Breeders Cup weekend and the town was buzzing. I took this job while working the Beach at the Wakkiki. Fuck! Dealing with the girls afterwork was a job in itself so basically I was not just burning the candle at both ends, but throwing the entire candle in the fire!! This could NEVER work. I remember trying to catch some zzzzz's after work and this chick from New York named "Beebe" fucking herself with my dick while I slept or tried to sleep.
Anyway this man from Argentina was late in arriving and we had given his reservation away and he was pissed. I don't blame him, but this was 1989 and not like today with all the technology to communicate. He bitched so much that I walked around the desk and politely asked him if he wanted to have a civilized conversation or would he rather I literally start kicking him in the ass. He chose to be civil. However, this, surprisingly, is not what I was fired for. So a business shcmuck came to checkout and handed me a Gulf Gasoline Card. I told him this wasn't the gas station and some uptight corporate hag overheard this and I was fired. Later I learned that you could pay the bill using this credit card. Who knew? Oh well, you try to learn something everyday.
6. Tangeirs Hotel: FDC. This was my 1st job ever in Miami. When I got there the owner told me not to take in hispanic people with Hialieh ID's. I asked why and he took me to room 202 and showed me first hand how these people had taken aluminium foil and lined the bathtub and proceeded to have a BBQ. The fiberglass tub was a melted ruin. I can't imagine what the meat must have tasted like with the fumes of the fiberglass. Fucking 3rd world Morons.
My first day on the job a undercover cop car crashed into another car and automatic weapons were drawn, peolple dragged out of the car and kilos stacked up on the sidewalk. Welcome to Miami. This was 1989 and towards the end of the cocaine cowboy days. Anyway the security guard set me up and while he was covering for me (as I was partying with Susan Whitehead and JanetO'Rourke from Chicago) he was also using scissors to steal the bar $ out of the slot the bar put it in. You know what they say about EVERY dark cloud has a silver lining? Well this is proof as I went on to get neck deep in the Pool & Beach business. Also meeting Susan has alot with where I am today with my band Nuclear Skull. She is Rock-n-Fucking Roll!!. (Susan, Get in touch with me if you're reading this!!)
7. The Millenium. part time Pool dick: The lady who hired me quit the same day. So when one of the board members asked me what my salary was I lied and added a couple dollars onto the original agreement. Score a piont for Mark. Anyway I can see why she quit. The President of the condo called me in to his office to discuss why I was 5 minutes late. Now mind you this is another ex-military dick. Annapolis to be specific. So I explain to him that I take the bus from past downtown Miami and 5 min. late is actually ahead of time. This was unacceptable to him and went on to explain (and I quote) "Its like that first shit and piss in the morning, It's just something you have to do." I never quite got the analogy of that and to be quite frank don't even want to try to figure that one out.
The next day I woke up a half hour earlier and clocked in 5 minutes early. And you guessed it, was called to the office again to discuss this infraction of clocking in too early. "Its zero 8 hundred on the dot or nothing." I remember him saying. Fucking Bizzaro World!! I quit on the spot telling them they needed to hire a robot. Fucking idiots!!I want a pt job not drama, though it does make for some good writing NO?
8.4 Ambassadors Downtown Miami. Security. Some lady made the huge mistake of talking to the uniform and not the person in it. I mean she was really letting me have it about how someone had parked in her parking place and on and on. So to enlighten her on the situation I took off my shirt and said to her "You godamned fucking bitch! Who in the fucking hell do you think you are talking to people like that?! Do you like it now that I'm in your fucking face giving it back to you? You NEVER saw that coming did you??!!Well FUCK YOU!! You stepped on a land mine and its expolding in your old ugly wrinkled face. FUCK YOU a 1000 times....." I REALLY let her have it and didnt stop with just that
She just stood there as did her husband albiet several yards away, as not to catch any of the shrappnell. I took off the rest of the uniform as I walked to my locker and was in underwear and socks when I got there. The funniest thing is I heard later one of the employees, who was dead serious when they said it, said "Do you think he's coming back?"
9. The Fountaine Bleau Hotel - A story in itself and a work in progress to do as a upcoming Short story of the month in 2009.
10. And there have been numerous others where the situation was so frustrating with some insane situation or a TOTAL DOUCHE BAG of a boss or whatever the case and I just plain out said "FUCK THIS" and walked off the job, to many to even mention. We've ALL had our share of those type jobs/experiences. The best you can hope for is to learn to spot them ahead of time and bail at the 1st sign of problems because otherwise - Who needs the BS?.... NOT ME!! and I hope not you.
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Management:
1. As far as managers go, I've been pretty lucky to not have been exposed to Major League Assholes.I even try to be "THE GOOD GUY when placed in this position. Example: slipping the main men, the workers cooking over a hot grill, a cold beer or two, during shift.
After giving it some careful consideration though the MANAGER that stands out is:
My Area Supervisor when I was SLAVING for RYAN's FAMILY Steakhouse in Decatur, Al.:
His name was "BOB" and he wasn't such a bad guy, MAYBE the problem was he was TOO NICE? You see he had caught this obese peice of shit General Manager at the Huntsville store stealing money and food from the store. And OH was this peice of work a man of the church Praise JayZUZ!!! Amen brother!..So what does he do? He sends the fat peice of shit (FPOS) to my store where he begins doing the same thing AND backstabbing me!! Real good move there BOB! I'm sure the Money Misers at the Corporate Office really appreciated that . When i gladly left, FPOS took over as GM. You dont have to be a genius to see where this story went. Good is what I say. FPOS was smart enough to steal from the corporation as long as they'd let him. NOT MY PROBLEM or CONCERN.
2. Oh yeah there was This one GM at a condo I was working at back in the early 90's doing , of all things -Day time Valet and he was just a pain in the neck to everybody and I was friends with the Front Desk Security guy named Ray ( an Ollie type character from a Lauren and Hardy film) and Ray particularly didnt like this guy and would regularly transfer the GM's call to me or someone else who were in on the gag, and we'd always answer the call as if we were the GM and always do something weird and/or offensive bordering on violence and psychotic in these calls:
To a A/C Contractor: "You Son of a Bitch Goddamned Mutherfucker!! I dont ever want to do business with your crap Company EVER again and I'm giving you a Trespass Warning now that If I ever catch you back on our Property Again you'll be arrested for Trespassing. DO You Understand me Pansy BOY!Dont call here AGAIN!!?
To Some other unfortunate soul: "Are you coming on to me? What kind of fucking deviant do you think I AM? Ewww You sicking me, you disqusting Pervert!! Dont you ever call me again you disqusting Faggot!!"
I had other Security that Ray had transfered calls to tell me about calls they had pulled on other callers. THis was just the tip of the aggrivation We caused this Prick as we'd go to CVS, Walgreens, and the grocery stores and get those subscriptions cards to magazine subscriptions and fill them out in this guys name and think about all the confusion and the subsequent "Bill Due" and "Past Due- Collections" on your subscription notices. LOL!!
So Yeah, its probably a good thing to be a cool Mgr and be nice to the ones you work with instead of pulling some "Power Play Stunt" Because this is what ya might get and worse. LOL!!
(This is a work in Progress as we tend to attend to and monitor the S.Fl employment subject matter herin)
1. The nightmare of all nightmares
This was old school bordering on the morgue. "Yeah, John Wayne and Spiro Agnew used to have houseboats right there" The old man said pionting to the boat dock, "they used to have poker games that lasted days on end. Mortie Stienberg, Saul Goldberg. They all used to be down there gambling there brains out. But that was long before your time, they're all dead now." "OH REALLY?" I thought to myself. "Was Gene Simmons there?" I asked throwing gas and confusion onto the conversation. "Who?" "Gene SIMMONS. He plays bass in KISS" "Oh I don't know, we had em coming and going back then" the old man responded "This used to be THE place to be in Miami. We had a bellman out front greeting all the cars. He wore a pithe helmet with a feather out the top." "Poor fucking guy" mumbled under my breath.
That was then and unfortunalty for me this was now and I was there to deal with the bones. Her name was Ruth Martin and this was The Fabulous King Cole Condominiums. Well fabulous back then anyways. Her husband would cart her out of the apartment everyday at 10 am bringing her to the pool. He'd give me a dollar and tell me to watch over her and make sure she did'nt fall and break her kneck or get into some equally disasterous event. One dollar. Very generous guy. Shit at least he gave me that!!
Now poor old Ruth was on her very last leg and going more senile every day. What these shmucks failed to tell me is that Ruth did'nt have very good control of her bladder and she peed wherever, whenever. I found this out when I went to take the lounge pads up and noticed a very rank odor. It did'nt take me long to put 2 and 2 together. And these are the pads the general condominium community were laying on as well. Lovely.
And seeing I had to handle these disqusting things, I assigned Ruth her very own pad to cut down on her marking her territory on the other pads. I did this by spray painting the end one of the pads. Ruths pad. She even asked me about it once and I told her "this is your very own pad." end of conversation. No use in embarassing her in her demented state. I mean let the fucking lady have some dignity right? I know, I know I'm too soft, or at least I was back then.
I had to leave the job and find other employment as I was having "Zombie like" nightmares about the place. Try going 2 weeks with that filling your night time dreams. Its the closest ever I've come to working at the morgue. The custodians were finding them splayed out dead in the laundry room. Stiff as boards, faces as blue as a tidy bowl flush. I got the hell out of there and never looked back. Soonafter, the nightmares stopped.
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2. The Nepolean Complex:
In 2000 I found myself bored with life so I applied for a job and found myself waking up at 4:30 am to be to work at the Grand in downtown Miami by 6am (Dont you just love the names that they give these places? I'm sure its quite an ego booster for all involved. Now you probably thinking, that as a Pool mgr, why did I have to be to work at 6am well before the sun came up? As I lay there at 430am trying to wake up while watching the Telletubbies on the PBS, I wondered the same thing. The only reason I could think of was" to watch the sun rise"
The bosses would of course arrive at a more decent hour of 8am-9am. So basically these equated to free hour=free money. And seeing this was not a full service pool, meaning I did not supply towels and the likes, it was basically a maintenance position with one pool and several large to mid sized fountains.
Anyway before I forget to mention it, I have been know to write a prank letter or two in my life. So when I saw the Tellitubbies on tv at that ungodly hour, I noticed that they would all look at the sun, which had a face in it as well, and have a conversation with it. I thought "Good god!! they are going to burn thier eyeballs out!" And this was the jest of my letter to the local PBS "I'm so afraid my little Jennifer is going to burn her eyeballs out staring at the sun!!"
Long story short: I get a knock on my door and its my crazy old frantic cuban coffe landlord jabbering on about a big box that came in the mail. So I follow him downstairs and sure enough there is this really big box with my name on it. I'm not expecting a big box. I opened it right there on the spot to find all the Telletubbies dolls (the big ones) and a Noo-Noo, which is some sort of vacum cleaner elephant looking machine thing and a letter. I took the Noo-Noo and the letter and told the landlord to give the dolls to the neighborhood kids. What was I suppossed to do with them, have a tea party? Take them to the store for a refund? I said I was bored not broke! A year later I would end up giving the Noo-Noo to this little 3 yr old girl in the building I work at. It was a sad day for sure giving it up. Presently I have two standard yellow rubber ducks, a mini orange haired troll doll with a nuclear skull on its face and a Marge Simpson pez dispenser. Why I have these things I do not know. Fortune and Good luck???
As it turned out the letter was from the creator of the Telletubbies expressing her concern about children burning thier eyeballs out.
So there I am 7:30 in the morning drinking my second cup of coffee and dragging water hoses out to wet everything down. I called this "The Water Show". I should have been required to have an actors guild card as this is all this was-Acting. Filling the billet with a warm body. Thats me folks. I might also mention that I was not the only one required to be there at 6am. There were others, specifically this one custodian who I see in the same place every morning standing by a tree looking into a window. So after awhile I walked over to see what the deal was and sure as shit, there she is walking around her apartment naked getting ready for work. She wasn't bad looking but It still creeped me out looking at her. I mean where does it end? The Peeping Tom of the Year award? I only looked that once but HE was there every morning rain or shine. He was probably there this morning as well.
Like I said, the bosses would stroll in around 8 or 9, then would come the lap swimmers, your pasty tourist getting a full days worth of vacation and HIM. I forget what this fuckers name was, and to be truthfull, I could absolutly give a shit, so for all practical purpose we will call him "Dipshit". Dipshit had a severe case of Nepolean Complex. I was told that Dipshit was elected President of the condo board a few months before my arrival and that the position had gone straight to his giant head. The solution was to demote him to Treasurer (pure genius move there folks.)
So dipshit would come to the pool- all 5 feet of him standing in his elevated flipflops- and everything would be in perfect operating order until he'd get in the jacuzzi and it would foam up depending on how much soap he put in it. I would them be summoned from putting on the Water Show and go tend to the matter. And much to his dissappiontment I would calmnly walk to the pool office and get a gallon plastic container of whatever the fuck it was - I'm not going to do an advertisement for the product if thats what your looking for- and then pour an ounze or two of it into the Jacuzzi. Problem solved. He hated it!!
In time I would find out that Dipshit was responsible for the firing of the Pool guy I replaced, who it turned turned out to be some cuban asshole who had sabotaged and backstabbed my efforst at a previous job. Karma Dude!! So as time went on I began to keep the gallon container close to the jacuzzi so that eveytime he did his thing, I could walk a few feet and do my thing. Like I said, HE HATED IT!! At one piont Dipshit complained about the soap suds and I said to him piont blank "Well if you'd stop putting soap in it the problem would be solved!" Dipshit of course went on the defensive, so I said to him "Stand up and lets see what you have in your pockets!" "I'm not standing up!" he replied still on the defensive. "Well" I said leaning up against the wall, folding my arms "I'll just wait for you to get out. I've got nothing better to do." It was a stand-off, that is until he did a quick spin move out of the jacuzzi, almost falling in the process, and quickly put his robe on.
Later in my employment, he would unscrew the bolts to the pool ladder steps then call outraged reporting it broken. I of course would be summoned from whatever it was I was doing and have to get in the pool and fix it. Hard work here folks! Gionna have to lay here in the sun for 30 minutes and collect myself.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Drying off from having to get in the pool and fix the ladder dipshit deliberatly broke again.
Boss: (silently walks away into the building)
Me: (continuing to lay there in the warm sun-drying off)
Later on I'd confront the boss with several security tapes showing before/after shots of the Jaccuzzi, as well as a lady with an extremly nice body getting out of the pool using the ladder then Dipshit, at said ladder, doing his thing for five minutes as I'd tightened them really good.
I wanted the management to confront the little fucker and they,of course, were balless and sdid not want to "rock the boat".Chicken shit mutherfuckers.
As time went on there were several incidences of dog/cat shit (I didn't anaylize the shit) thrown from the building into the pool, as well as Heineken beer bottles. (REAL classy people for sure). On the week ends they would be lounging in the decorative fountains like they were jacuzzi's and talking about adults OK?
Side note: Riding my bike around town I notice more broken green glass bottles that brown glass bottles. Why is that? Does drinking this swill in green bottles make you want to throw the empty out of you car into the road? Like I said: Real classy people. Garbage everywhere except in the trash cans where its supossed to be.
Now remember I said Dipshit had been demoted to Treasurer right? Well he starts purchasing all these decorative bronze statues to put in the fountains. I would hate to be a owner and get that assessment fee. And I will admit, some of the statues did look good. However, some where to clustered or too big for placement in the fountains and it came off as "too much" even "tacky"
Around this same time I was starting to feel like a glorified janitior cleaning up after these filthy animals who could give a fuck about the place that they lived. And if you people know ANYTHING about me at all, you know that I do not do things I do not like to do. I do not like radishes so I do not eat them. Its that simple.
So Dipshit asked me: "What do you think about the fountains?" and I told him the same thing I told your previously. I guess he wanted a "pretty lie" and got "the ugly truth", or at least my very honset opinion. I was fired later that day. Thank you immensly from the bottom of my heart Dipshit!!
End Notes:
1. I came to learn that Dipshits "Horse farm" in North Carolina was all imaginary and in his head
2. He had his wife making and trying to sell sandwiches to the workers at lunch but they were not going for it.
3. Dipshit was on an oversight Board of a local downtown park/mall (cough-cough. Doesnt take a Brain Trust to figure that one out) and alot of money had be "missappropriated". Yep this is the guy you want handling the money for the condo. Heres how it works folks:
You approach all the vendors and tell them "You are going to bill "x" amount and I'm going to pay you "Y" which is a lower amount of "x". Happens all the time and is probably happening right now as you read this. You Think? I bet!
4. Hidsight is always 20/20: I should have photographed the shit in the pool and drained it. This would have cost thousands in water bills, chemicals not to mention room comps for hotel guest. Shoulda, coulda, woulda.
5. I do miss the Hotel aspect of this job as it was one continuous party especially when bands would come through town. And there was the horny fashionista from the UK. I miss her too.
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3. "HER"
We were getting calls from jubulent employees at the condominium she was moving from warning us about "HER". I now know why they were calling and so happy. Within days of moving into the building, according to the General Manager, she had complained more in that litte amount of time as some people had in 15 yrs of living in the building. She soon became like the "Boy who cried wolf" and her complaints fell on deaf ears.
And the way she treated the help was dispicable. And they were all afraid of her, well except for me. And this really pissed her off. Fuck "HER"!! She would come into the Pool Office and just start screaming at me and I would literally laugh in her face and taunt her. I wanted to KILL her. Sometimes I'd ask if she needed anything and then just ignore her and put up a magazine to block her ugly haggard face from my view. This of course pissed her off even more. To fucking bad as in: Tough Shit.
And her treatment of the help was not confined to just the building but everywhere she went. As a matter of fact it got her banned from several independantly owned Bal Harbour Shops who told her to never set foot in thier stores ever again or she would be arrested for trespassing. Oh how good this must have made the owners of these shops feel.
So given the fact that bitch and her family were in the restraunt biz, you'd think she'd know better than to go pulling her shit in restraunts. Lets put it this way, I know people who refuse to go out to eat with them ever again because of her treatment towards the wait staff. The word is she doesnt even wait for the food to arrive at the table before she starts to complain. NOT very intelligent. And when the food does come and she taste it, she probably sends it back because it doesnt taste right because she's used to piss and spit in her food. I know wait staff that plain out refuse to wait on her.
And the valets were/are always fucking up her car in some way or another just out of spite because of the way she treats them. Again, it really pays to be nice to the people that are serving you, ya think?
So it was very sweet to hear that Payday has finally caught up with her as they are now having to file for bankrupcy and the Economic recession of 2009 has taken its toll on them!! It could not have happened to a more deserving person. I am ELATED that I dont work at the place where she lives anymore, mainly because I was tired of her shit and the "balless" management not defending me after several verbal and many written complaints. However, the word is that she did not even show her ugly face at the Pool during the 2008 holiday season out of embarassment of the situation. It could not have happened to a more deserving person. THERE IS A GOD!!!
What comes around Goes around.
KARMA BITCH!!
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4. The Balless Cat/Col. Commander the Bloated shit prick:
You have all heard the stories of these "Condo Commandos" right? Well here we go again. I imagine being President of a Condo Association makes these dipshits feel like GODS. I wonder in all thier self glory, they realize alot of people are laughing thier asses off @ them. I highly doubt it. And its a long hard fall from their esteemed and elevated position when it comes. And ALWAYS, they disappear into thier shell and become practically invisible in thier depressive state as they come down to REALITY.....Oh the shame....
This is a Perfect example of such an ass. This pregnant man is an ex-insurance dick. I know what your thinking "How impressive!", I know, I say it LOUDER!!. So this ass is used to fucking people over. Its in his blood as is a strong Military backround. The kinda guy you'd wanna shoot in the course of battle if he was on the front lines. Of course when your this important your NOT in the trenches are you? Hell no. Which probably explains why said bullet didnt find its mark during the course of battle.
I watched this ass, in all his glory, spend thousands on "upgrades" that didnt need upgrading. I watched as the tenants all began to fight and complain about the huge assessments arriving @ thier doorsteps. What was once a "content, peaceful building" turned into a "House of Horrors" with people taking sides, lawsuits being filed. This mighty ass even had the nerve to slide himself into a paying "assistant Mgrs" position. Conflict of interest? You think? ALOT of these asses use these positions to steal funds. I mean you walk into a store with thousands of dollars and these retailers are going to do whatever you want to get the sale. They just caught some asses doing exactly this and it was theft in the millions, I shit you not! So speculation in this situation is in the "eye of the beholder". Its very suspect to say the least.
The kicker for me personally was the day a kid was throwing rocks off the 15th floor balcony. I had reported this to the General Manager delivering a handfull of rocks in the AM. He didnt even leave his office. I might as well have dialed some random number out of the phone book and reported it. So as the day progressed and the rocks kept raining down and no action from mgmt, suppossivly "in charge", I said "ENOUGH!" and marched to the office with more rocks and told the mutherfuckers "Do something or I'm calling the Police!! Someone is going to get killed!!" So what does the GM do? I mean besides shit himself??... He calls this bloated shit prick Condo President who marches down to the pool area and starts to investigate.
So there we are and I tell them which floor we beleive its coming from and this ass says to me and I quote "Its none of your concern!" I quickly countered "Oh yeah? Let one hit me and you'll see how fast its none of my concern!" You fucking bloated shit prick!! What a fucking ass. I've got a serious life threatening situation in my workplace and ITS NONE OF MY CONCERN???...This isnt baseball and I'm not giving 3 strikes. This was "IT" as far as I was concerned with this TURD. You see its all about "The power, The position, The attention" wt these shits. They could give a fuck about the employees. NONE of my Concern.
A perfect example of this is how this mighty "Col. Shit Prick" spent how many thousands re-modeling the Party Room where the employees would eat thier lunches. Well after this expensive re-modeling SHIT PRICK decided that this area was now too good for the employees to enter and everyone was told they could no longer use this area for a break room, THEN regulated all employees to eat his/her lunch in thier workplace and if something came up on your break "Too fucking bad" stop your break and go back to work. And of course these cowering employees are to afraid to object in the least. Except one. Can ya guess which one?
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5. Things I have been fired for or incidences where I said "FUCK THIS SHIT!!:
1. Wearing "Tea shades". That was some old ladies complaint. She said I wore "tea shades to conceal the fact that I was high". Hey folks: You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ALL the people all of the time. Tea shades Ha!
2. Night Bellman Tiffany Condo: Fired for standing by a car waiting to open the door for "fart witch" while she sucked face with her haggard old boyfreind. Later on at another job Fart witch would be verbally reprimanded for having me fired for this by her own freinds, right in front of me causing her to leave in a huff (How fucking cool is that?! Very!!)
3. Jockey Club: I found myself at 8 pm on Holloween night doing these peoples pool laundry after working a full shift. Why? Because these multimillionaire shit pricks were to cheap to buy a washer and dryer!! Can you beleive that?! So I went in to the laudry Mat to get the dry towels to throw them in the car and I find the door open to the dryer and the towels were still not dry and I Finally said: "FUCK THIS SHIT!!!"
I threw the wet towels into the bags I had brought them in with and into the back of my 79 Station Wagon and I pulled into that condo's back parking lot sideways in a cloud of dust and took those FUCKING towels out of my Pontiac Grand wagon of a death machine with the fake wood panels running down the side and all, and threw the still wet things in a pile. I was fired for doing this the next day. If I could do it differently I would. I'd throw the towels harder or better yet either leave them outright at the laundry mat for anyone to take or take them out to a dirt trail and light them all on fire!!
Anyway as I can recall I had a blast at the Button South (rip) and even lightly bit a French Maid wt feather duster and all, on the ass on a bet earning a free drink in the process. It was a light nibble not a full on bite.
4. Thunderbird Hotel:Front Desk Clerk. They called me and asked me to come to the Christmas Party. I declined. They called back again, drunk, and insisted. It was only a few blocks down the street so I went. I remember they gave some middle eastern guy a blow up doll and he was terribly upset. I wish someone would give me a blow up doll at a party!! I'd turn it upside down and stick the crotch right in my face and set back and relax. But thats just me, I'm not from the middle east. Anyway a week later they fired me for getting buzzed at the party while on the clock. Par for the course. To this day I outright avoid these functions.
5. Hollywood Beach Hilton, GraveYard shift Front Desk Clerk. It was Gulfstreams Breeders Cup weekend and the town was buzzing. I took this job while working the Beach at the Wakkiki. Fuck! Dealing with the girls afterwork was a job in itself so basically I was not just burning the candle at both ends, but throwing the entire candle in the fire!! This could NEVER work. I remember trying to catch some zzzzz's after work and this chick from New York named "Beebe" fucking herself with my dick while I slept or tried to sleep.
Anyway this man from Argentina was late in arriving and we had given his reservation away and he was pissed. I don't blame him, but this was 1989 and not like today with all the technology to communicate. He bitched so much that I walked around the desk and politely asked him if he wanted to have a civilized conversation or would he rather I literally start kicking him in the ass. He chose to be civil. However, this, surprisingly, is not what I was fired for. So a business shcmuck came to checkout and handed me a Gulf Gasoline Card. I told him this wasn't the gas station and some uptight corporate hag overheard this and I was fired. Later I learned that you could pay the bill using this credit card. Who knew? Oh well, you try to learn something everyday.
6. Tangeirs Hotel: FDC. This was my 1st job ever in Miami. When I got there the owner told me not to take in hispanic people with Hialieh ID's. I asked why and he took me to room 202 and showed me first hand how these people had taken aluminium foil and lined the bathtub and proceeded to have a BBQ. The fiberglass tub was a melted ruin. I can't imagine what the meat must have tasted like with the fumes of the fiberglass. Fucking 3rd world Morons.
My first day on the job a undercover cop car crashed into another car and automatic weapons were drawn, peolple dragged out of the car and kilos stacked up on the sidewalk. Welcome to Miami. This was 1989 and towards the end of the cocaine cowboy days. Anyway the security guard set me up and while he was covering for me (as I was partying with Susan Whitehead and JanetO'Rourke from Chicago) he was also using scissors to steal the bar $ out of the slot the bar put it in. You know what they say about EVERY dark cloud has a silver lining? Well this is proof as I went on to get neck deep in the Pool & Beach business. Also meeting Susan has alot with where I am today with my band Nuclear Skull. She is Rock-n-Fucking Roll!!. (Susan, Get in touch with me if you're reading this!!)
7. The Millenium. part time Pool dick: The lady who hired me quit the same day. So when one of the board members asked me what my salary was I lied and added a couple dollars onto the original agreement. Score a piont for Mark. Anyway I can see why she quit. The President of the condo called me in to his office to discuss why I was 5 minutes late. Now mind you this is another ex-military dick. Annapolis to be specific. So I explain to him that I take the bus from past downtown Miami and 5 min. late is actually ahead of time. This was unacceptable to him and went on to explain (and I quote) "Its like that first shit and piss in the morning, It's just something you have to do." I never quite got the analogy of that and to be quite frank don't even want to try to figure that one out.
The next day I woke up a half hour earlier and clocked in 5 minutes early. And you guessed it, was called to the office again to discuss this infraction of clocking in too early. "Its zero 8 hundred on the dot or nothing." I remember him saying. Fucking Bizzaro World!! I quit on the spot telling them they needed to hire a robot. Fucking idiots!!I want a pt job not drama, though it does make for some good writing NO?
8.4 Ambassadors Downtown Miami. Security. Some lady made the huge mistake of talking to the uniform and not the person in it. I mean she was really letting me have it about how someone had parked in her parking place and on and on. So to enlighten her on the situation I took off my shirt and said to her "You godamned fucking bitch! Who in the fucking hell do you think you are talking to people like that?! Do you like it now that I'm in your fucking face giving it back to you? You NEVER saw that coming did you??!!Well FUCK YOU!! You stepped on a land mine and its expolding in your old ugly wrinkled face. FUCK YOU a 1000 times....." I REALLY let her have it and didnt stop with just that
She just stood there as did her husband albiet several yards away, as not to catch any of the shrappnell. I took off the rest of the uniform as I walked to my locker and was in underwear and socks when I got there. The funniest thing is I heard later one of the employees, who was dead serious when they said it, said "Do you think he's coming back?"
9. The Fountaine Bleau Hotel - A story in itself and a work in progress to do as a upcoming Short story of the month in 2009.
10. And there have been numerous others where the situation was so frustrating with some insane situation or a TOTAL DOUCHE BAG of a boss or whatever the case and I just plain out said "FUCK THIS" and walked off the job, to many to even mention. We've ALL had our share of those type jobs/experiences. The best you can hope for is to learn to spot them ahead of time and bail at the 1st sign of problems because otherwise - Who needs the BS?.... NOT ME!! and I hope not you.
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Management:
1. As far as managers go, I've been pretty lucky to not have been exposed to Major League Assholes.I even try to be "THE GOOD GUY when placed in this position. Example: slipping the main men, the workers cooking over a hot grill, a cold beer or two, during shift.
After giving it some careful consideration though the MANAGER that stands out is:
My Area Supervisor when I was SLAVING for RYAN's FAMILY Steakhouse in Decatur, Al.:
His name was "BOB" and he wasn't such a bad guy, MAYBE the problem was he was TOO NICE? You see he had caught this obese peice of shit General Manager at the Huntsville store stealing money and food from the store. And OH was this peice of work a man of the church Praise JayZUZ!!! Amen brother!..So what does he do? He sends the fat peice of shit (FPOS) to my store where he begins doing the same thing AND backstabbing me!! Real good move there BOB! I'm sure the Money Misers at the Corporate Office really appreciated that . When i gladly left, FPOS took over as GM. You dont have to be a genius to see where this story went. Good is what I say. FPOS was smart enough to steal from the corporation as long as they'd let him. NOT MY PROBLEM or CONCERN.
2. Oh yeah there was This one GM at a condo I was working at back in the early 90's doing , of all things -Day time Valet and he was just a pain in the neck to everybody and I was friends with the Front Desk Security guy named Ray ( an Ollie type character from a Lauren and Hardy film) and Ray particularly didnt like this guy and would regularly transfer the GM's call to me or someone else who were in on the gag, and we'd always answer the call as if we were the GM and always do something weird and/or offensive bordering on violence and psychotic in these calls:
To a A/C Contractor: "You Son of a Bitch Goddamned Mutherfucker!! I dont ever want to do business with your crap Company EVER again and I'm giving you a Trespass Warning now that If I ever catch you back on our Property Again you'll be arrested for Trespassing. DO You Understand me Pansy BOY!Dont call here AGAIN!!?
To Some other unfortunate soul: "Are you coming on to me? What kind of fucking deviant do you think I AM? Ewww You sicking me, you disqusting Pervert!! Dont you ever call me again you disqusting Faggot!!"
I had other Security that Ray had transfered calls to tell me about calls they had pulled on other callers. THis was just the tip of the aggrivation We caused this Prick as we'd go to CVS, Walgreens, and the grocery stores and get those subscriptions cards to magazine subscriptions and fill them out in this guys name and think about all the confusion and the subsequent "Bill Due" and "Past Due- Collections" on your subscription notices. LOL!!
So Yeah, its probably a good thing to be a cool Mgr and be nice to the ones you work with instead of pulling some "Power Play Stunt" Because this is what ya might get and worse. LOL!!
(This is a work in Progress as we tend to attend to and monitor the S.Fl employment subject matter herin)
posted by Mark Scott at 12:44 PM
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