Short Story of the Month Sept 2008
This month I am TOTALLY deviating from anything I've done in the past except in our fanZINE that we mail out to those lucky/cursed/worthy enough to recieve. In any case a review came back from one of our Zine's and it said "I was the Martha Stewart of Punk Rock" due to my tips and advise.. LMAO!!... So in THAT mentality and mode I give you the following advice and tips: NOTE: This is the clean version NOT the underground Shit.....and ALSO as I write this its actually APR 08 so 3 more segments and I'm done for the year....see how I roll? And I could easily write them and be done, as I have notebooks of unpublished material. I'm just saving them for some NEW ideas that may come to mind in an effort to keep it fresh and as cutting edge as I can w/o getting cut or burned by its razor sharp and burning cut as we all sear into the future,....
1. Free Concerts: Do you like to see ALL the shows at the local Stadiums/arenas? Get a job wt Security, consessions etc. Find the employees locker room. Stash some regular clothes you wear every day in there and lock it. Now quit or get fired from this job BUT KEEP the uniform. Next event you are interested in show up IN UNIFORM walk as your heading into work and go change in the locker room. When I did this once I had trouble getting back stage to get the uniform and actually had to go back 3 days later and pick it up, even though I actually no longer worked there. I saw several good shows using this scam.
2. Make your own smoke effects: This is actually from : The Black Book of Revenge by George Hayduke I believe but am not absolutly sure (I have fact checkers toiling as you're reading this looking for a definitive asnswer) The caption was HOW TO SMOKE OUT A CITY BLOCK: and heres the reciepe:
4 parts sugar
6 parts potasium nitrate OR Salt Peter
8 parts water
Directions: Cook and stir until thick. Set in 8 oz plastic cups wt a wick and let it set till hardened. Smoke effects w/o all that Great White shit where everyone dies in a fire. For all you avg. Joes out there not in a band, my suggestion to you is make a bunch of these, rig up a bunch of colored lights and strobes in your back yard, light of the smoke and put on some DEATH and if anyone ask "What the fuck is going on!!?" Tell them your having a DEATH concert and them ask them if they wanna slam dance in the pit, But dont wait for an answer and just slam into them and run away and slam into someone else. Get in the pit!!
3. Got a Toothache or a swollen absessed tooth and cant get an immediate appt for a dentist?:
No problem. Dentist wont tell you this because it KILLS thier wallets:
1 cup of water
2 tsp baking soda
1 oz of lemon juice
Directions: Mix all into a fizz, drink and hold in mouth for as long as possible. repeat. Symtoms of swollenness should to start to dissipate in 30 min. Baking Soda and lemon juice is one of the most effective mouthwashes and anti-septics you can use and its all natural NONE of this Listerine Bs. Can you drink that stuff and get drunk? Has anyone EVER done it? Does it make a good mixed drink?..."OH I just love that NEW improved Listerine they came out with, mixed with LemonADE its so gooooood!!"
4. Hungry Hungry Hungry but no MONEY MONEY MONEY:
You: I'm hungry.
Me: Hey Ramen Noodles. .25 cents and some hot water and yer eating
You: I dont want THAT! Besides I dont have any money. WHAT CAN I DO?
Me: Ok here's what ya do. Because this worked for me ALOT back in the day...Find out what time the Pizza places in your neighborhood close dowm. Then 30 min before they close call in 2 pizzas for pick up. They of course will want info from you incl a phone #. Give it to them...They will call you back 20 min. later asking you where you are. Tell them you are painting a couple rooms in your house and the fumes are REALLY getting to you and that you are on your way. They WILL TELL YOU that you'd BETTER hurry your ass up because they've been there all day and they're going out to get hammer themselves and....So they may even call again. Dont answer. They will call more. Dont answer. THey will quit calling. NOW, 30 min later go pick up you pizza. It is in the dumpster and more than likely IN THE BOX along with a stack of others!! I remember once there was 15 pizzas in the boxes thrown away...and think about it:
These people are working around pizza all day, everyday. DO YOU THINK THEY CARE about fuckin pizza??? Especially if its a corporation that they work for and despise at the same time because they see .35 cents worth of dough, .20 worth of cheese, a qtr of an onion or other veg. for $1.25 each extra Topping.... and if you dont dig it,you've always got your ramen noodles (I say it RAYman Not Roman) ...I say it louder.
5. It occurred to me that if a BAND Really wanted to tour in a really really underground way they could ALL buy yearly GreyHound Bus Passes and Go for it.
6. SuperGlue. Dont even get me started. Let me just say this though: IF a payphone OR a vending Machine TAKES your money I feel its your civic duty to shut the thing down so it doesnt rip other people off. Enough said.
7. IF they're giving it away, WHY BUY IT? These are things I do NOT purchase wt my hard earned money as "they" are giving it away for free: Mustard, Ketchup, sweet-n-Low, coffee creamer, napkins, slat, pepper, sugar. I realize if you have a family this might not be practical (only because your lazy! LoL!) but for a single punk like myself: IT WORKS and its less money I spend and more money for other things. Also a reader emailed me that this works for him at the Warehouse store wt the free samples saying that he can go in a basically get a free meal sampling the items they're giving away. Hey whatever works!
8. My Medicare Plan - Go to the store- Walgreens etc... and buy your OTC medication. Preferably a large package like 24 count etc. Then take a few of the pills, get over your cold and take them back saying ANYTHING = They make you shit. Whatever. And get your money back. I've been doing this for years. And I dont get those 24 and 48 count packs of medication. I mean for a family yeah, but for an individual? Who plans on being sick that long?!!
9.You WANT MORE? You greedy fucks, you just take and take and take and NOT EVEN A "THANK YOU" or stories of your own success THANX to me?
10. When Shopping for produce - Remove the stems from the grapes and get exactly what you are paying for. This can be applied with watermelon and other type fruit as well. Bring a knife with you, grab a bag and cut the rhine off the watermelon placing the rhine in a bad to throw away and the actual watermelon in a bag to be weighed and purchased. I saw a guy on 20/20 doing this. LOL!! Whatever works right?
11.Oh theres plenty more, lots more where that came from but you know at some piont I have to start charging even if it is a slice of pizza dumpster dived outta ___________ (Fill in the blank) Pizza place dumpster......
....The crazy thing is that this particular" Short Story of the Month" came from walking down the street today and smelling the pizza shops on Washington Ave.. I had a California roll and some shrimp mmmmmm SHRIMP aklklaklklhllahlkalklhaklkak......I like The Simpsons episode where Marge blows Otto's (I like to get Blotto) wedding and Moe has a arm full of the presents and Lisa says "would you like some shrimp?" and he says "YEAH!" and opens his mouth and then says " Put them in tail to head you can fit more in" and then wanted COCKTAIL sauce poured in.....OH The greed ..... Shameful greed.
SEND Me Your LOVE, SEND Me Your MONEY!!...or buy a cd, a shirt......Nah, thats too much work...Just send the LOVE and MONEY!!!!!
1. Free Concerts: Do you like to see ALL the shows at the local Stadiums/arenas? Get a job wt Security, consessions etc. Find the employees locker room. Stash some regular clothes you wear every day in there and lock it. Now quit or get fired from this job BUT KEEP the uniform. Next event you are interested in show up IN UNIFORM walk as your heading into work and go change in the locker room. When I did this once I had trouble getting back stage to get the uniform and actually had to go back 3 days later and pick it up, even though I actually no longer worked there. I saw several good shows using this scam.
2. Make your own smoke effects: This is actually from : The Black Book of Revenge by George Hayduke I believe but am not absolutly sure (I have fact checkers toiling as you're reading this looking for a definitive asnswer) The caption was HOW TO SMOKE OUT A CITY BLOCK: and heres the reciepe:
4 parts sugar
6 parts potasium nitrate OR Salt Peter
8 parts water
Directions: Cook and stir until thick. Set in 8 oz plastic cups wt a wick and let it set till hardened. Smoke effects w/o all that Great White shit where everyone dies in a fire. For all you avg. Joes out there not in a band, my suggestion to you is make a bunch of these, rig up a bunch of colored lights and strobes in your back yard, light of the smoke and put on some DEATH and if anyone ask "What the fuck is going on!!?" Tell them your having a DEATH concert and them ask them if they wanna slam dance in the pit, But dont wait for an answer and just slam into them and run away and slam into someone else. Get in the pit!!
3. Got a Toothache or a swollen absessed tooth and cant get an immediate appt for a dentist?:
No problem. Dentist wont tell you this because it KILLS thier wallets:
1 cup of water
2 tsp baking soda
1 oz of lemon juice
Directions: Mix all into a fizz, drink and hold in mouth for as long as possible. repeat. Symtoms of swollenness should to start to dissipate in 30 min. Baking Soda and lemon juice is one of the most effective mouthwashes and anti-septics you can use and its all natural NONE of this Listerine Bs. Can you drink that stuff and get drunk? Has anyone EVER done it? Does it make a good mixed drink?..."OH I just love that NEW improved Listerine they came out with, mixed with LemonADE its so gooooood!!"
4. Hungry Hungry Hungry but no MONEY MONEY MONEY:
You: I'm hungry.
Me: Hey Ramen Noodles. .25 cents and some hot water and yer eating
You: I dont want THAT! Besides I dont have any money. WHAT CAN I DO?
Me: Ok here's what ya do. Because this worked for me ALOT back in the day...Find out what time the Pizza places in your neighborhood close dowm. Then 30 min before they close call in 2 pizzas for pick up. They of course will want info from you incl a phone #. Give it to them...They will call you back 20 min. later asking you where you are. Tell them you are painting a couple rooms in your house and the fumes are REALLY getting to you and that you are on your way. They WILL TELL YOU that you'd BETTER hurry your ass up because they've been there all day and they're going out to get hammer themselves and....So they may even call again. Dont answer. They will call more. Dont answer. THey will quit calling. NOW, 30 min later go pick up you pizza. It is in the dumpster and more than likely IN THE BOX along with a stack of others!! I remember once there was 15 pizzas in the boxes thrown away...and think about it:
These people are working around pizza all day, everyday. DO YOU THINK THEY CARE about fuckin pizza??? Especially if its a corporation that they work for and despise at the same time because they see .35 cents worth of dough, .20 worth of cheese, a qtr of an onion or other veg. for $1.25 each extra Topping.... and if you dont dig it,you've always got your ramen noodles (I say it RAYman Not Roman) ...I say it louder.
5. It occurred to me that if a BAND Really wanted to tour in a really really underground way they could ALL buy yearly GreyHound Bus Passes and Go for it.
6. SuperGlue. Dont even get me started. Let me just say this though: IF a payphone OR a vending Machine TAKES your money I feel its your civic duty to shut the thing down so it doesnt rip other people off. Enough said.
7. IF they're giving it away, WHY BUY IT? These are things I do NOT purchase wt my hard earned money as "they" are giving it away for free: Mustard, Ketchup, sweet-n-Low, coffee creamer, napkins, slat, pepper, sugar. I realize if you have a family this might not be practical (only because your lazy! LoL!) but for a single punk like myself: IT WORKS and its less money I spend and more money for other things. Also a reader emailed me that this works for him at the Warehouse store wt the free samples saying that he can go in a basically get a free meal sampling the items they're giving away. Hey whatever works!
8. My Medicare Plan - Go to the store- Walgreens etc... and buy your OTC medication. Preferably a large package like 24 count etc. Then take a few of the pills, get over your cold and take them back saying ANYTHING = They make you shit. Whatever. And get your money back. I've been doing this for years. And I dont get those 24 and 48 count packs of medication. I mean for a family yeah, but for an individual? Who plans on being sick that long?!!
9.You WANT MORE? You greedy fucks, you just take and take and take and NOT EVEN A "THANK YOU" or stories of your own success THANX to me?
10. When Shopping for produce - Remove the stems from the grapes and get exactly what you are paying for. This can be applied with watermelon and other type fruit as well. Bring a knife with you, grab a bag and cut the rhine off the watermelon placing the rhine in a bad to throw away and the actual watermelon in a bag to be weighed and purchased. I saw a guy on 20/20 doing this. LOL!! Whatever works right?
11.Oh theres plenty more, lots more where that came from but you know at some piont I have to start charging even if it is a slice of pizza dumpster dived outta ___________ (Fill in the blank) Pizza place dumpster......
....The crazy thing is that this particular" Short Story of the Month" came from walking down the street today and smelling the pizza shops on Washington Ave.. I had a California roll and some shrimp mmmmmm SHRIMP aklklaklklhllahlkalklhaklkak......I like The Simpsons episode where Marge blows Otto's (I like to get Blotto) wedding and Moe has a arm full of the presents and Lisa says "would you like some shrimp?" and he says "YEAH!" and opens his mouth and then says " Put them in tail to head you can fit more in" and then wanted COCKTAIL sauce poured in.....OH The greed ..... Shameful greed.
SEND Me Your LOVE, SEND Me Your MONEY!!...or buy a cd, a shirt......Nah, thats too much work...Just send the LOVE and MONEY!!!!!
Labels: Surviving and cutting expenses in a tough economy blog
posted by Mark Scott at 6:04 PM
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