MAY 2009 - Outwitting Larry Law (FTP)

I have not owned a car in about 15 years as the place I live - Miami Beach, is quite small and everything is in a concentrated place and public transportation covers these areas. Plus parking is a bitch and these 3rd world mutherfuckers here can't even read the road signs and are cluless which doesnt make for an enjoy experience, so I refuse to do it AND THEN PAY out the ass for the privledge. FUCK IT!!

In anycase, I have owned several cars before and as such have been in a situation where I was being pulled over by the Police for a traffic ticket and these are 2 short stories of how I eluded them and proof that brains beat braun:

1. I was driving my black Pontiac Trans Am, yeah the one with the golden eagle on the hood - How embarrassing now looking back. LOL! And It was during the day as I was booking ass coming back from Clemson on the 4 lane Clemson Hwy which has a large grass medium separating the 2 oncoming lanes, and I was heading north towards Anderson, SC. when a Highway Patrol Car came toward me in the opposite direction. He saw me and I saw him. As I passed I saw him slow down and do a U-turn to, as I correctly assumes, to come after me. I punched the gas pedal kicking in the 400 hp engine gaining speed. I knew the road as I'm sure Larry Law did as well and I knew there was a shopping center ahead and I made the split second decision to head there.

It was my lucky day as I had a large head start and there was a tractor trailer truck parked in the parking lot of this shopping center. I quickly pulled behind and along side of it and stopped. I remember I had to bend over to see the road under trailer of the truck and I waited to see what would happen next. And sure as hell about 10 seconds later here comes Larry Law with his lights on booking ass 100 mph down the highway in pursuit. LOL!! "Hey dick, I'm over here!!" I guess he didnt hear me! I waited for about a minute of 2 and then pulled out of the parking lot and took the back road home so as to avoid any altercations. Chalk one up for the "The Skull".

2. I was working for a Steakhouse chain and they had sent me to work in a busy Atlanta store for a week or 2 and I was heading back to SC. at night going north on I-95 driving my Saab 900. Be as it may, I had worked my way into a pack of about 3 cars and 2 semi's and one of the cars had a Radar Detector on the dash and I positioned myself behind the truck and on this guys 5 o'clock eying his dectector.

I did this for an hour or so and would speed up as this guy did and follow him into another pack of trucks. Then all of a sudden I saw the radar detector go from green to a flashing red. I forget the position I was in to see this, but I destinctly remember seeing Larry Law parked facing us in the medium by an overpassing bridge column. I also remember punching the gas pedal and taking the lead position in the pack I was in and seeing another pack of trucks ahead. This would be my savior and I floored it getting every bit of horse power out of the engine. I guess Tractor Trailer Trucks are the common denominator in these 2 stories.

At this point I surmised I was the lead target for the cop as he was pulling out to turn around and punch his engine in as well. So to eliminate this I cut my lights off and pulled ahead of the new pack of trucks and then pulled well in front of them into thier lane, the slow lane, and then turned my lights on and innocently began cruising at a lawful 55 mph. IT WASNT ME!!! LOL.

So a few seconds after I had taken up this new position, I was still worried and concerned that I still might be the center of this cops attention. That was soon put to rest as here came the dude with the radar detector flying by 90 mph shortly followed by Larry Law with his lights on. LOL!! Chalk up another for The Skull.

My take on this is - If you can fuck these mutherfuckers over -DO IT!! I have come to experience these assholes lying, disrespecting and being total dicks. (A recent example for the world to see was the Dallas Cop stopping the NFL player Tyan Moats from seeing his dying Mother-in-Law on her deathbed as he played The Typical Dick having no compassion whatsoever all because the guy, safely ran a red light on the way to the hospital. Hello!!? If you are on your way to the Hospital and indeed in the Hospital parking Lot explaining it, Come on!!) As a direct result of my experiences, I HATE these mutherfuckers with a vengance to the point where if I hear on the news one of them got waylaid I'm having a PARTY!!!. Fuck The Police. In my 40 some odd years on this Planet I cannot think of 1 time they ever did anything for me - BUT TO ME. And on more than 1 occassion it was unjustified. So FUCK these assholes!! What comes around goes around. KARMA bitch!!

Apr 2009 - The Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

An Alarm clock goes off.

It was the start of just another day in a string of days. He was fond of saying "Same Old shit, Just a different pile of it" and it was true. He had awakened, peed, showered, shaved, brushed his teeth, applied deoderant, combed his hair, dressed and was now in his car and was off to get coffee and then hit the highway on his commute to work where he would have more coffee and start in on the added monotony that was his job. He was a dog chasing his tail: He needed the job to pay for the gas and the car to get to the job to pay for the gas and the car to get to the job to.......

There's an area the size of Texas in the South Pacific that consist of nothing but floating plastic garbage:

A chick goes to the beach in Santa Monica and leaves several water bottles behind instead of throwing them in the trash, the tide comes in and sweeps them up and they wash out to sea and flow with the tide and this is where they end up.

A little girl in Seattle skips out the door on her way to the car thats going to take her to her friends house for a sleep over. As she happily skips, the toothbrush she packed in her backpack falls out because she didnt properly close the bag. Later it rains and the toothbrush is washed down the driveway and into the drain and into the ocean and it ends up here.

Now multiply these incidences and many more x Millions of people, 100,000 cities all over the world x 50 years. It adds up. The styrophoam will never disinigrate and decompose. Its here to stay. Basically the same with the plastic bottles, though they will decompose somewhat into tiny beads that will wash up on the shore and blend into the sand. Its here to stay.

EVERYTHING has its breaking point. EVERYTHING. Take the ruler out of your desk and bend it. Eventually it will reach its break point and snap. Same with the Pens, pencils. Look around you -Everything has its breaking point if you apply enough force and pressure. EVERYTHING.

So as he finished his coffee and set the styrofoam cup down, he reached down for chewing gum to freshen his breath. It was part of the routine and a courtesy to his fellow workers. He fiddled opening the wrapper with his hands on the steering wheel at the 12 o'clock position and as he'd done every morning before wadded the paper wrapper with his left hand and slipped it out the cracked window. It was the straw that broke the Camels back. Apply enough pressure to anything and it will break. EVERYTHING has its breaking point. Planet Earth was no different.

At the same moment that he slipped the paper out the window many millions of the same type of transactions were taking place all over the globe, some smaller, many alot larger. However it was his actions the turned out to be "The Straw that broke the Camels back". Everything has a breaking point if you apply enough pressure. This was Planet Earths breaking point and the moment the tiny peice of paper hit the road the Earth began to shake and to break apart in a ripple effect spreading the entire globe. It did not stop for many years. There are still peices of it flying through the void of space still shaking as the huge thing broke apart and shot out in all directions.

EVERYTHING has its breaking point and this was Planet Earths. It was the straw the broke the camels back......

...."Now do you want to pick up that Mcdonalds bag you just threw down without a care in the world, or am I going to have to split your goddamned stupid mutherfucking head wide fucking ass open? Its your choice and eithers fine with me. You have seconds to make up your mind before I make the decision for you."

Mar 2009 - You need to stop eating out of the garbage!!

This morning I got up at the unGodly hour of 6am to gradually wake up, have my coffee and head out on a job interview. Getting up at 6am is NOT Rock-n-Roll let me tell you!!

In anycase we do what we have to do. So It was no big deal and I went on my interview which was in the Aventura area, which is upscale, crime free for the most part, predominatly Jewish condominium retirees, and the interview went well and its another wait and see, and if they hire me they hire me, IF they dont they dont. No sweat off my back either way.

So as I'm walking back from this interview, I'm walking through a strip mall parking lot with a grocery store in it and theres this middle aged lady dressed in warm ups like she might be out for her morning walk, and she's standing beside a garbage can peeling the paper off a candy bar and picking the nuts out of it -or something?, and throwing them in the trash.

So as I'm walking toward her I say in a scolding like voice "You NEED to STOP eating out of the garbage!" And she replies spewing her words and shaking her head, clearly offended "I'm NOT eating out of the garbage" And without hesitation I comeback at her "I'm standing here watching you do IT!!" And the whole time I'm walking and as I am, an old lady of about 120 - which is the average age for this area- is walking towards me, and I have to stop so I dont walk into her and I say to her pointing at the now pissed off middle aged lady still by the garbage can, "She's eating out of the garbage!" And without hesitation or breaking her stride the old lady rolls her nose up like she smelled a turd and says "THATS DISQUSTING!!" and keeps on walking past the scene and into the store.

So at this point the middle age lady screams louder "I'm NOT eating out of the garbage!! I was throwing something in it!!" And she hurls her candy bar into the trash and proclaims "SEE?" And I'm trying not to break out laughing and I say to her as she's storming off like she's going to go tell someone, which she probably IS, "I'm just telling you for your own good if you keep doing it you are going to get sick!" LOL!!

I love Chaos!!

Febuary 2009 - The 35th Meeting of The Zombie President's

"Good Goddamn! Get your crowbar and get in there and Get Linclon off of Nixon again! He's trying to chew his face off for God Sakes!!!"

....And so went the 35th Meeting of the Zombie Presidents. Why on Earth they insisted on having this Affair was beyond him. It ALWAYS led to no good. You'd think someone would eventually step up and say "You know, I dont think its such a good idea that we let them all out of thier cages this year and let them mingle with each other like we did last year because...." And just add any number of previous horrors here.

You Would Think. It wasnt his concern why this was allowed to continue. However, maintaining some sort of order was and now he'd ordered one of his men into the pit to break up an attack. In this case Abe Linclon trying to eat Richard Nixons face. You'd think that the 3 cattle carcass's that were laid in a bloody heap in the middle of the large darkened hall would be enough to satisfy them. I mean #17 had been content and occupied enough to chew his way through one of the cows rectums and disappear into it.

He looked at his list to see who #17 was, most of them, including himself, couldn't identify one Zombie President from the pictures when they were alive much less now dead for several years. I mean for a Million Dollars, could you pick out Millard Fillmore from a group of 50 black and white photos? Most of you would say "Who the Hell is Millard Fillmore?" much less be able to identify him from a picture when he was alive. And so The numbers. He found #17 on the list: Andrew Johnson, and thought to himself he must have been a real "go getter" in his time or just really hungry for fresh blood and meat in this time.

He looked at his list again assigning a name to a number he was watching as it appeared to be trying to give a speach at the podium. Dwight Eisenhower. He opened his mouth and appeared to try to speak as his lower jaw fell off. They would have to retreive that and eventually put it back on. He made a note on the list beside Eisenhower's name: "Jawbone, podium area", he scratched.

And so it went as he watched the scene before him - The 35th Meeting of the Zombie Presidents, specifically focusing on his own man , highly protected of course, fending off several attacks as he attempted to break up Linclons unprovoked attack on Richard Nixon's face.

On the speakers in the backround "Hail to the Chief" played on a continuous loop. Maybe next year, he silently wondered, someone would step up and put an end to this madness all in the name of Honor and Tradition........On the other hand, he - Area 51 employee #666 - thought it was his job and it paid well. Very well. And its never good to "rock the boat".