I am behind the 8-Ball.... Usually in the past I have had these short stories done and posted months in advance, but lately I've been to damned busy and occupied with other things in my life, mostly insanity and madness mixed with bouts of visiting friends, tourist and other sorts of characters coming and going. Its never a dull moment I can tell you that and when it is: LOOK OUT! Because its only a matter of time before all Hell breaks loose.
That said, as I type this I am "winging it" in between breaks of the insanity that is all around me and my constant battle to fend it off. I have tons of material to choose from but am to damned lazy to actually go looking for it by searching through notebook after notebook for something I like and want to share with you. So lets have at it and get this thing done so I can get back to The Good Fight.
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I was probably 15 or 16 when I had my first beer. It was the summer between 8th grade and the start of 9th grade. It was a 16 oz Budweiser. Every once in awhile I'll get a hint of that "first beer taste". MAGIC! Its wonderful but doesnt last long. Something "science" that has to do with the taste buds and the brain I imagine. If I could flip the switch to make it last I would do it in a minute. Nectar of the Gods. I'm in! I remember my mother saying my Grandfather said it tasted like horse piss and he was totally against it. This always made me wonder if he'd actually tasted horse piss. I doubt it as I think he was a very religious man.
That summer I'd ride my bike to the "Happy Foods" or something or other convienence store and get 2 Bud tall boys and pay the Hoss of a lunk behind the counter, a babyfaced man who's shoulders spread out this far (holding hands out) and the mass supported by these pencil thin legs that didnt match at all. Butch Hobson was his name and I know this because this man would end up being the Offensive Line coach of the High School Football team. I remember his face when he realized that it was me that he had been selling all those beers to. I said "Offensive Line" coach OK? Not Mr. Wizard, you catch my drift? But to give him the benefit of the doubt, I was told at the time that I looked older than I was and even though these where some of the first beers I'd ever had, I sure acted like I'd done it 1000 times or more. Ho-hum. Its called "having a pair" OK?
At one point I even had a fake ID just incase I got carded. I got it from an ad some friend, Doug Heaton had got out of the back of a magazine. We'd go into Pizza Hut order a couple pitchers of draft and for good measures a pizza or two. This would eventually lead to a downfall of sorts but I can assure you - a minor one. It happened one night after a football game and we had ordered a few pitchers and as we're there enjoying ourselves in walks this new little shitprick football coach that had been hired and I dont think the clean cut douchebag had even had a beer in his life and here we were 9th grade hellions setting there drinking pitchers of beer like it was no big thing. And guess what - It was "No BIG DEAL. So fucking what that we were underage and it was illegal . We wanted it. End of story.
(Hospital waiting room scene: Parents milling around with worried looks on thier faces, biting fingernails, pacing back and forth. Worried shitless. Mothers with tears in thier eyes. Finally THE Doctor comes walking out of swinging doors dressed head to toe in green scrubs. He also has a worried and very serious look on his face when a mother approaches saying "How are they Doctor? Are they OK?" His head shakes "no" with a look of disqusted failure on his face and replies "I'm Sorry, your Son's are BEER DRINKERS and
HELL RAISERS. Theres nothing I can do." Mothers fall into thier husbands arms crying hysterically)
I imagine that this must have been the scene as "new Coach dick" spilled the beans and informed our parents we were drinking pitchers of beer at Pizza Hut. The Horror!! I remember my Fake ID was confiscated or some shit and I was demoted from 1st string defensive end and regulated to standing on the offensive line during punts. This was the minor downfall I was speaking of earlier. BFD. It sure as hell didnt stop me, or anyone of my friends that I ran with, from drinking beer. If anything we drank more. I know we did as I had a girlfreind named Fran and her brother was a senior at the High School across town and they were buying kegs. I saw this and said "Hey, I can do that." Now granted this was the start of High School, 10th grade at this point, and I'm waltzing into the local Budweiser distributor, throwing down $30 and a $20 deposit on the tap and I'm good to go. No questions asked. Here's your money, thank you, see you when its empty.
Beer Drinkers and Hell Raisers. I think at one point some bright individual came up with the name "The Seven Sons of Sin". Very appropriate. Once we cannoed into this cove on the lake and came up behind this country store, quietly walking through the woods up a hill, cut the screen on the door, opened the latch locking it and unloaded a couple cases while the other guys out front asked advice on the best lures to use to catch bass or something to occupy the old men who owned the store. Once I took my mom's American Cancer Society pins and cans and we all went door to door in every apartment complex in town for donations which we used to buy kegs. I'll probably die of cancer. Who doesnt, right?
That sure was some damn good beer. It was a short time later that I graduated to Clemson University. Now mind you I was still a sophmore in High School but that just seemed like a handicap. On the weekends it was wide open, especially during football season. I have no idea what other kids in high school were doing to occupy themselves during this time -the movies? driving circles around McDonalds? I dont know? I know what I was doing - I was hanging in the dorms with freinds and friends of friends drinking beer, smoking pot, taking acid, making out and getting laid. Beer drinkers and Hell Raisers mutherfuckers! Are you starting to get the "Theme" here?
Now imagine being at a raging kegger with a full beer or 2 in hand and the person next to you hands you a joint and you realize its your high school "Advanced English" teacher. Imagine her horror when she realizes it right? I remember she had a "talk" with us afterward that this should NEVER be spoken of. I dont think she ever looked me in the eyes again in class after that. It just ruined 10th grade english. I think we told a couple of our friends but it was no big deal and more of her panic than anything. I remember I used to draw a character that I named "Hollywood" in her class that resembled Doonsburry and she commented on it more than once and I gave her a few drawings. I cant but help think to this day that maybe she knew the guy who did that comic strip and gave him my character. Very coincidental and simular to be sure. Whatever.
In any case, there was one bump in the road and it only derailed me for part of the summer between 10th and 11th grade. I was working at a grocery store as a bag/stock boy and the guys working thier before me -Frans brother and Co., had chiseled a well hidden cinderblock in the back wall of the store that slid in and out behind a huge box compactor and was perfect for sliding six packs out to waiting friends. And trust me when I say "ALOT" of beer was passed through that opening. ALOT.. But I dont know what I was thinking, but one Friday Night I decided to go in on my night off and get some "ice" and in addition to the ice, I procured a case or two of Budweiser and was busted by the manager in the process. I even had the son of a bitch convinced that I didnt steal the beer from the store and he used the "underage" card and called the cops. Bastard. I equivilate it to a Star quarterback having a shoulder injury. You just knew that sooner of later the son of a bitch was goinna be back in the game. And I was.
After that it all just seemed like "old Hat" and it was probably around this time my taste buds began to lose that "first beer taste." Dont get me wrong, the beer was and still is good, but that 1st beer taste is magical. These days, to be sure, I'm still a Hell Raiser and mostly drink Vodka and am wise to adulthood and you wont catch me taking the risk that I once did that could lead to arrest as its not worth it when it gets right down to it and I'm smarter than that. That was THEN and This is NOW. I still enjoy the occassional beer hoping to catch the "magic". I'll ALWAYS be a BEER DRINKER and HELLRAISER till the day I die and hopefully beyond in the afterlife! LOL! One can only Hope right? Ya Damn RIGHT!
\m/ Beer Drinkers and Hellraisers \m/
...Damn I dont know about you but that kinda makes me thirsty...(Kinda?)
